


Solace

by undenanable



Series: Jukebox Jams in Fiction [1]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 1980's Setting, 80's Pop Culture References, A lot of Flashbacks, Aged up characters, Angst, Jihoon is only mentioned for a bit, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, Samuel and Somi because I love my children, jinhwi, slight mentions of homophobia, trigger warning, violence due to homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-01 20:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12712377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undenanable/pseuds/undenanable
Summary: It's been ten years since Jinyoung had held on to a broken promise. He attends his high school reunion, wondering if he could finally come to terms with the person who became the sunrise and the sunset of his youth. But unsaid words still fill the air and sometimes maybe love just isn't enough to convince two people that they should be together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to dedicate this fanfic to Kath unnie who is urging me to finish this. I'm still trying to write the ending before we get busier for our thesis and I won't be able to write fan fiction anymore. I wanted to make an 80's setting because I'm fascinated by the era. I'm born in the 90's so there might be inaccuracies here since I only did some minor researching on the references. This is the first entry to my 80's playlist series. 
> 
> The song prompt for this fanfic is "I wasn't the one who said goodbye" by Agnetha Faltskog and Peter Cetera

 

 

Newton High School Reunion, December 1999

 

Their reunion party played all the songs they danced to during their senior prom. Old flames rekindled while new ones danced to what they had missed during their youth. Jinyoung looked around, searching for that familiar face. He wondered who that person was smiling to right now. Was he even here? Was he dancing to these songs and igniting something new while reminiscing on their secret getaway years ago? It made him curious.

 

Familiar faces greeted him. Women who have been single for quite a while ask for his number, to which he willingly gave but told them to contact him if they were only interested in any real estate deals. He declined any offer that didn't involve anything related to his business. Dating any of them was out of the question. 

 

Jinyoung was now a young real estate broker who was the star of his firm. It wasn't a lie that he spent most of his days in business meetings and real estate deals but he wasn't as busy that he didn't date here and there. He even managed to get engaged along the way. But then, it didn’t work out in the end as both of them had different priorities and none of it had a scenario where their futures overlapped. 

 

Overall, the truth of the matter was that, he didn't want to date anyone from his past which involved memories of his high school. His past was mostly filled with someone else in his mind and he didn't want to hurt anyone, saying that his world was filled with someone else during that time. He didn't want to reminisce that part of his life with someone else. 

 

No one else but him. 

 

* * *

 

_Newton High School, September 1989_

 

_"Jinyoung! It's David! They're doing something to him in the locker room. Please!" Ennik was trembling in front of him, clutching his arm tight as he saw tears of fear and panic streaming down her cheeks. "I tried to help him but they pushed me away. They locked the door, please Jinyoung"_

 

_White noise filled the room and Jinyoung immediately sprang to his feet towards the locker room. He bumped into a few people as he ran through the hallway. People cursed at him for being careless but he didn't stop to pay any attention to them. All that mattered was getting to Daehwi before the assholes that took him damaged him any further._

 

_Once he finally reached the locker room, he tried pushing and pulling the lock but the wooden door wouldn't budge. Everyone stole a few glances while an ignorant bunch were staring at him like he was a mad man._

 

_"Daehwi!" he yelled. "Fuck"_

 

_He could hear the taunting laughs of the asshole that held him captive. Teachers tried helping him, trying to unlock the door to no avail. "DERRICK, I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU HURT HIM I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"_

 

_It was the first time Jinyoung had ever raised his voice in front of anyone. Even the Mr. Bates, his social studies teacher, was surprised to see this side of Jinyoung. "Jinyoung please"_

 

_"SHUT UP, THEY'RE FUCKING TORTURING HIM SO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO! GET THE POLICE FOR FUCK'S SAKE"_

 

_Jinyoung had always liked Mr. Bates. He was a good teacher, one that always put his students first but this wasn't the time for any of his calm or motivating speeches. Daehwi was inside with a group of assholes doing heaven knows what to him. A couple of people were trying to help him now, two boys from Daehwi's choir started tackling the door open. The act was working, the hinges were breaking and all it took was one last powerful kick from Jinyoung to break it._

 

_He wasn't thinking straight at that time, his vision turned red when he saw Daehwi tied up, bruised and crying. Derrick and two of his friends were slammed against the locker, nose bloodied from the punches Jinyoung threw at them from out of no where. The two boys who had helped him a while ago, restrained him from doing any more damage to the group of boys._

 

_Jinyoung's father had told him that taekwondo was merely self-defense. His knowledge and rank in the arts was never to be used for violence. But seeing Daehwi battered and beaten with his dignity shattered to pieces, breaking their noses wasn't enough to feed his anger._

 

_"Go to hell Jin! You and your boyfriend can just rot there" Derrick's retorts gave more reason for Jinyoung to pull free from his restraints._

 

_"Jin, chill dude. The cops will take care of them." One of the boys tried to pacify Jinyoung as he thrashed and kicked with all of his might just to get back at the people who had beat up Daehwi._

 

_"Let go of me! Get the fuck off me!" he yelled. "I'm going to kill them!"_

 

_No one would have expected Bae Jinyoung to act this violently towards anyone. He was normally quiet and reserved but being pushed to the edge brought out a personality that no one would have guessed he had._

 

_A crowd people gathered outside to see the ruckus. The delinquents were now restrained by teachers and police officers. The boys who had held Jinyoung back had finally let him go and his next instinct was to run to Daehwi who was now curling down on the floor in fear and anguish. Jinyoung’s heart sank at the sight of him, looking helpless. He heard whispers from the background but soon enough they all grew faint as a teacher asked them to disperse finally leaving the both of them alone._

 

_"Daehwi" Tears started running down his cheek as he held the boy close to him. His beautiful features all battered and bruised. "Fuck, I'm so sorry.." Daehwi wrapped his arms around him as well, staining Jinyoung’s shirt with his tears as well "I'm so sorry.." Jinyoung whispered, hoping and praying that what he had witnessed was just a nightmare he could wake up from._

 

* * *

 

 

Ennik was one of the few people Jinyoung was comfortable talking with. She had been their bridge. Someone who never judged them from the very beginning. Ennik never had the prejudices that small town people usually had. It was probably why she was close to Daehwi even when people had ridiculed him for being a bit too feminine for a boy. 

 

"He's coming." She told him with a small smile. 

 

"You've been in touch?" After all these years, the thought of meeting him still made his heart race. It still gave that indescribable feeling that welled within his chest. "Since when?"

 

Ennik's face fell. There was a sudden nervous aura that surrounded her. She pursed her lips and sighed, "Yeah.. We have been ever since." Her face looked frantic as Jinyoung's transitioned from something friendly to a look of disappointment. "He told me not to tell you. I insisted that I should but he always told me never to tell you that we were still in touch. I really-"

 

"It's fine." Jinyoung cut off. "He told you not to tell me, right?" A small smile appeared on his lips once more to reassure her it wasn't that big of a deal. "He told you not to tell me. You were just being his friend."

 

A few years of yearning and hurt wasn't her fault. She wasn't the one that disappeared out of the blue without a single trace. Nor was she the one that gave Jinyoung this much emptiness for years. Ennik was merely doing her friend a favor. The very friend who has been haunting Jinyoung's heart for ages. 

 

"I'm really sorry though. Just let me apologize. I've seen you suffer all these years but I just stood there quietly. Maybe if I-"

 

"What's done is done." Jinyoung sighed. "It's not like I've used my past against me. I'm fine now. It's not like I've been suffering because of that my entire life. I'm fine, Ennik. Don't worry."

 

Ennik managed to smile because of that. She grabbed both of Jinyoung's hands and gave him this determined look she seemed to have when she had something planned. Truth be told, Jinyoung wished she wouldn't hold his hand for too long. He didn't want the Ennik's long time boyfriend giving him a hard time for the prolonged gesture. "I'll make it up to you this time." She said in excitement. "Okay, Jin?" 

 

"Y-yeah" He replied, stuttering helplessly.

 

Relief filled him when she finally let go of his hand. As soon as he thought that he was finally off the hook, he heard a baritone voice sneak up on him from behind and he jumped in surprise. "Why did you just hold my girl's hand?" 

 

Jinyoung cursed under his breath and tried his best not to hit his friend in irritation. "It wasn't even that long, Sam. Don't get too jealous." He rolled his eyes then smiled at his friend. "It's been a while though." He gave his friend a light pat on his shoulder and in turn, his friend pulled him into a hug. "Yeah, it's been a while, Jin. I've missed you." 

 

Samuel was one of the few people Jinyoung liked talking to in high school. They easily hit it off when they first met on the bus in middle school. With Jinyoung holding a copy of "The Amazing Spiderman" and Samuel holding a limited edition copy of "X-men: The Dark Phoenix Saga", they were inseparable during their first year. It was only when Samuel started discovering his interest in girls during his first year in high school when he and Jinyoung only met up on days he didn't have plans with any of his dates. But even so, no matter what, he knew that Samuel always had his back. 

 

"Did Ennik tell you the good news already?" Samuel looked too excited for his liking. As happy as they all sound, Jinyoung didn't know what to make of the whole situation. His memories of the boy that have left him scarred were like black and white films to him and gave him a somber feeling inside.

 

"Uhm, I'm not even sure if I should consider it good news.." he managed to laugh. "What do I even say to him?" 

 

'He doesn't need to be here. We don't need to meet' he thought. But there was still thing longing urge that welled up inside of him. Something he thought he had abandoned years ago when he finally decided to forget about him.

 

To no longer think of Lee Daehwi

 

* * *

 

_Lake Seamore, February 1989_

 

_Jinyoung finally passed his driver's test and got his license. On his third day of stepping into the third path of adulthood (as what his step-father had called it), he decided to take Daehwi on the outskirts of their town. They sat near the shore of the lake as the radio played sappy mellow love songs that Daehwi always seemed to like. Jinyoung always complained about it, telling Daehwi that lyrics were too sweet for his liking. But he could never say no when Daehwi insisted that they listened to it. Other than Madonna, Daehwi had come to like songs sang by Peter Cetera. As much as he liked bands, Chicago wasn't really his style. He was more of a U2, Bon Jovi and Tears for Fears kind of person._

 

_"I love this song!" he immediately stood up and pulled Jinyoung's wrist, gesturing him to do the same. Jinyoung knew that if Daehwi didn't have his way, he was going to regret it during the whole ride home so he decided to comply to the request. Somehow, they ended up slow dancing to the song with Daehwi's head resting snug against Jinyoung's shoulder._

 

_'I wasn't the one who said goodbye, oh no'_

 

_"Why is this song so sad?" Jinyoung mumbled._

 

_Daehwi's head remained on his shoulder as laughed at Jinyoung's complaint. "I don't know but I just love it."_

 

_'I wasn't the one who disappeared in the night'_

 

_He didn't like to admit it, but the the sappy song actually set the mood for them. The sunset that reflected on the lake was the perfect back drop to match the picturesque moment. Daehwi looked even more beautiful in the saturated lighting and he couldn't help but just plant a soft kiss against his forehead. It was all too surreal that he thought that his heart was going to burst at any given moment._

 

_"I love you, Jinyoung." He whispered as their foreheads were pressed against each other. Daehwi's eyes were looking down as he continued. The blush on his cheeks were evident even in the dim lighting. "And not like the "spur of the moment" kind of love but like, I'm pretty sure "no one's ever going to make me feel the way you'll ever do" kind of love."_

 

_"I love you too, Daehwi" he replied. "And not just the "this is just a phase" kind of love but like "the forever" kind of love." And with that, his lips curled into a huge grin._

 

_"You almost sounded better than John Cusack." Daehwi laughed. "Almost"_

 

_"Wait for me to play Madonna outside your house. I'll be better than John Cusack" Daehwi ended up bursting out laughing at Jinyoung's remark. The last thing he'd imagine Jinyoung to do was jam to Madonna. As much as he loved her music, it would seem more like a comedy show than a romantic act for Jinyoung to play his queen's songs on a boombox outside their house._

 

_"Why are we dating again?" Even with the teasing remark, Daehwi steals a kiss from Jinyoung's lips_

 

* * *

 

There had been a few talks about Derrick being sentenced to life imprisonment around the room. Jinyoung wasn't sure how to feel about that. He and Derrick didn't have anything going on until he spotted he and Daehwi kissing somewhere. The details were a blur to him. He tried to keep it that way since it was where everything started. It all spiraled downhill from there.

 

As the night grew, he wondered if he should just leave since he had already met up with all of the people he needed to see and Jinyoung wasn't the type of person that liked socializing for too long. But then, he hears Madonna's song playing in the background and he couldn't help but smile a little. The memory of Daehwi dancing and singing to Madonna's songs replayed in his head, a fond memory that seemed to always pop up once he heard one of the singer's songs. He sipped the last drops of his beer and left the can on the table. Jinyoung was ready to leave the place there and then when suddenly, he hears a familiar voice from up close. 

 

"I love this song" He turned to where the voice came from and froze. It was like he had seen a ghost. Dyed blonde hair, designer clothes and expensive looking glasses, this man looked like he had just arrived from New York's fashion week. And yet, he was still the same old beautiful being he had remembered. 

 

"What took you so long?" Jinyoung asked, trying to sound unfazed. 

 

"My flight was delayed. Just came back from Milan." The man replied. 

 

"I see." Tons of questions filled Jinyoung's head. All the pent up thoughts he had should have bursted out right there and then but this wasn't the right place. He boldly wrapped his hand around the man's wrist, scared that if he'd let go this time, he'd never see this man ever again. The man must have gotten the memo because he ended up laughing and giving Jinyoung the smile he had missed for years. 

 

"Don't worry, Jinyoung. I won't leave you hanging this time" 

 

He wasn't sure if he should believe those words again. The words "Don't worry" were also the last few words he had said before he erased himself from Jinyoung's life for good.

 

* * *

 

_Carter Residence, October 1979_

 

_At the age of eight, Jinyoung's parents were expecting a new baby. It was his mother's first baby with his new step-father. His family moved to America just after Jinyoung's third birthday. His biological father had died due to a disease and a few years later, she meets Jinyoung's step father, an American soldier who served the military and aided Korea. There wasn't any contradiction to their unity. Even his biological father's parents were delighted that his mother was happy with someone new. But as curtesy to his late father, his mother decided that Jinyoung kept his father's surname. Thus, he was the only one with the surname "Bae" in their household._

 

_To celebrate the upcoming birth of her new born child, her mother decided to hold a baby shower, inviting her friends within the neighborhood. These friends included Mrs. Lee who was also another Korean resident in their small small suburban neighborhood. She and Jinyoung's mother hit it off immediately as soon as Jinyoung's mother visited her salon. Apparently, Mrs. Lee was the best hairdresser and make up artist in town. She supported her only son through her salon business, a shop which was always full on weekends. Mrs. Lee was a widow who lived with his child, Daehwi, or as the other kids preferred to call him, David._

 

_Since Mrs. Lee's baby sitter wasn't available to watch over him, she decided to bring Daehwi along. It was there when both Daehwi and Jinyoung had their first conversation. Daehwi and Jinyoung were in the same grade and wentto the same elementary school together. What they didn't have in common though was their choice of friends. Daehwi usually hung out with the girls in class since he liked fixing their hair and girls liked how he made them look. Jinyoung usually played with Jihoon, his other Korean classmate._

 

_Both of them were totally different and neither of them ever thought that they would get along. That was until the moment Jinyoung's mother told Daehwi to visit Jinyoung in his room and play with him. Daehwi was hesitant to open the door and interact with the boy._

 

_What if Jinyoung didn't want to play with him?_

_What if Jinyoung didn't like him?_

 

_Daehwi held his breath as he turned the door knob and opened the door to Jinyoung's room._

 

_"Do you need anything?" Jinyoung asked._

 

_Half of his face was covered by a comic book while his body was curled on the bed. Jinyoung gave Daehwi a more curious look, as if he was seeing some foreign object for the first time. "Er, do I know you?" Daehwi wasn't sure he should be frustrated by that question or let it slip. For one thing, they were in the same class this year but at the same time, it was their first time being in the same class together. Daehwi knew Jinyoung because he had a habit of remembering his classmates names easily on the first week of classes. Maybe Jinyoung wasn't the same. Maybe the only kid he knew was that Jihoon kid he always ate lunch with._

 

_"I'm Daehwi. Our classmates call me David though, so you can call me either Daehwi or David." He replied._

 

_"We're classmates?" His tone made it sound like he got hit by the biggest revelation ever. He almost looked apologetic which Daehwi found (surprisingly) adorable. Almost like a sad puppy._

 

_"Yeah, we are. So, do I call you Jinyoung or do I just call you Jin like everyone else?" he asked boldly. Jinyoung didn't seem to mind Daehwi's assertiveness. He shrugged and replied, "Jinyoung or Jin is fine. As long as you don't call me Bae."_

 

_Daehwi then entered Jinyoung's room, closing the door behind him without waiting for the Jinyoung asking him to come in. The room wasn't anything special. Typical to say the least. Jinyoung had posters of his favorite super heroes near his bed and some comic books piled up on his study table. The floor was clean and his sheets were made. It was a lot cleaner than most boy's rooms were._

 

_Jinyoung placed his comic book on his bedside table and hugged his knees while looking at Daehwi. He looked sort of unsure and one could really tell that Jinyoung wasn't used to talking to people. "I'll call you Daehwi then. It's not that hard." Jinyoung said._

 

_"Jinyoung it is.." Daehwi replied with a smile._

 

 

_\--_

 

_"So why is your last name Bae? Not Carter?"_

 

_Jinyoung had let Daehwi lie down with him on his bed. There wasn't that much to do in Jinyoung's room so they spent their time talking and listening to whatever song there was on the radio._

 

_"My mother wanted me to keep my father's last name. My stepdad is okay with it so I kept my father's last name." Jinyoung replied. "How about you? Where's your dad?"_

 

_"I never knew him. It's always just me and my mom."_

 

_It was peculiar how Daehwi wasn't exactly bored being stuck in that particular mundane moment with the quiet Bae Jinyoung. For one thing, Jinyoung may be shy but he still knew how to hold a conversation which was a good thing. He enjoyed the solemn moment. He didn't have to hear gossip or high pitched laughter like he usually does on a weekly basis. Instead, he has Frank Sinatra singing mellow tunes while he and Bae Jinyoung talked about anything and everything in low voices._

 

_It wasn't exactly magical or exciting in anyway. It was good and comfortable. And somehow, before they knew it, their conversation came to a halt as they both gave in to slumber._

 

_Their meeting wasn’t the most impactful first encounter but there was something about that afternoon that made Jinyoung want to remember it for a long time. He woke up to the sight of Daehwi's face. Jinyoung had let a stranger sleep in his room. Not even his friend at that time, Jihoon, had a chance to sleep on his bed back then. But he had let Lee Daehwi, a classmate he barely talked to, sleep beside him on his bed. He found it odd back then how easy it was for Daehwi to make people comfortable around him. And it was also then that he had realized that maybe have Lee Daehwi in his life wasn't such a bad idea._

 

* * *

 

 

It was only natural that most girls would want to talk to Daehwi after all this time. Daehwi was now a stylist working big time at different expensive fashion shows. He was also a journalist for Vogue magazine. 

 

Jinyoung had known this for quite a while now. The business circle overlapped with the fashion industry from time to time and he'd hear Daehwi's name in some cocktail conversations. He had heard over the years that Daehwi mostly dated men. It was scandalous for most people in parties to say the least. Business people were more conservative but never the less, most of them were self-righteous and said something along the lines of “accepting him for who he is” or “I hope he finds enlightenment” with ugly scowls on their faces. Jinyoung would silently listen to these conversations, sipping his wine and trying his best not to shove his drink at any of them. These conversations mostly happened between women who encountered Daehwi in fashion shows. They’d often curse Daehwi for having lovers more appealing than their husbands and then laugh afterwards, saying it would never last because “Love between both men had no future in this world.”

 

Those lines sometimes resonated in his ears. Like a broken record player that haunted him once in a while. Sometimes, the voice took the form of his step-father. Sometimes, they’d be in the tone of those gossiping women. Sometimes, it was Daehwi’s trembling voice. 

 

Once Daehwi had finished talking to the crowd of women, he made his way back to Jinyoung, sitting next to him on the first row of the bleachers. Jinyoung had another can of beer at hand. Daehwi had frowned when he saw this and snatched the can away from him. “You’re not driving out of here drunk, Bae Jinyoung,” Daehwi scolded. 

Jinyoung couldn’t help but cackle humorlessly. “You spent years erasing yourself from my life and now, you actually care? Tell me Daehwi, who was your new boy toy again? James, right? Does he know that you’re hanging out with one of your exes right now? Or is he just another one of your one night stands?” The smile on his lips looked menacing and it may have been the alcohol that was speaking because the minute Daehwi’s face contorted into disappointment, Jinyoung immediately regretted everything he had said. 

 

“Wait Dae-” Jinyoung grabbed Daehwi’s hand just before he could stand.

 

“I knew coming here was a bad idea.” Daehwi whispered before forcefully freeing himself from Jinyoung’s grasp and stalking out of the gym as quickly as he possibly could. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fluff before the angst

 

 

_Carter Residence , November 1985_

 

_“Hey Jinyoung, if I told you I liked guys instead of women, would you still be my friend?”_

 

_Daehwi’s question had caught Jinyoung off guard. They were having their usual once a month Friday movie nights when Daehwi would stay over at Jinyoung’s place. Jinyoung’s parents were out for dinner while his little sister Annie was already upstairs sleeping. The two of them were sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in between while watching The Karate Kid on the living room cassette player. The movie was in the middle of the main character’s romantic scene with the girl of his dreams when Daehwi had spoken the revelation to Jinyoung. Their conversation had become mere background noise as he tried to comprehend what Daehwi had said._

 

_He knew that his friend was different. After all, Daehwi preferred listening to Madonna instead of U2 or had always helped girls if they wanted to look good. He’d do either their hair or their make-up but he would always deny ever liking boys or when people would ask him if he was gay._

 

_But now, he had admitted it to Jinyoung and the boy still hasn’t replied anything back._

 

_“You’re uncomfortable, aren’t you?” Daehwi smiled amidst the sadness in his eyes. “I’m sorry, don’t worry, it’s not like I like you or anything. I’m just saying that I prefer having a crush on guys instead of girls.”_

 

_“Are you sure?” was the last thing Daehwi wanted Jinyoung to say. He looked offended this time and decided to focus his gaze on the television screen in silence._

 

_Jinyoung took that as a yes and immediately felt guilty at his insensitive remark. “I’m sorry, Daehwi. I didn’t mean it that way. I mean, I’m just new to this, you know? I promise that no matter what, you and I are still friends.”_

 

_Daehwi turned to him this time with a pout on his face and creased eyebrows. “Really? Are you sure you’re not uncomfortable with having a gay best friend?”_

 

_“I mean, we’re still young Daehwi. I don’t meet a lot of gay guys often in this super conservative suburban neighborhood. You can’t blame me for actually doubting you on this confession.”_

 

_“I’d punch you in the face if we weren’t best friends to be quite honest.” Daehwi’s reply was monotonous, obviously and genuinely pissed._

_“Then how about we kiss?”_

 

_Jinyoung’s offer had taken Daehwi off guard and somehow managed to piss him off even more. He threw a couch pillow at Jinyoung’s face instead and in the process, spilling the bowl of popcorn as soon as it collided with the pillow as it fell. “Oh crap,” Daehwi cursed in panic, “I’m so sorry.”_

 

_“Don’t worry about it,” it was weird how easily Jinyoung had brushed it off, given that it spilled on his mother’s favorite carpet. “But I’m serious though, I mean like, we’re friends right? I can maybe help you figure this out. We’re bros, we’ve like both seen each other naked for years, it won’t be weird if we just kissed once.”_

 

_Daehwi was still unsure about Jinyoung’s offer, thinking it was ridiculous that his friend wanted to confirm his sexuality through kissing him. But in the end, he gave in. What was one kiss going to change anyways? They’ve slept in the same bed for years, they’ve taken baths together and it’s not like one kiss is going to change everything. Jinyoung liked girls. Daehwi knew that his first kiss was Amanda Byers, a girl he had taekwondo lessons with in sixth grade and his favorite kiss was Melanie Chang who was his science partner in eighth grade. Kissing Daehwi was probably going to be like kissing his relative in a rather platonic way._

 

_“Fine” Daehwi sighed in defeat._

 

_The movie had reached its climax as the main character was finally fighting off his rival group in a tournament. On the other hand, Jinyoung was now leaning close to Daehwi, both nervous as to what they were actually signing up to. Jinyoung just hoped his parents didn’t walk in on them. He didn’t want to get in trouble for feeding his own curiosity. As soon as their lips touched, it felt a bit awkward. Jinyoung’s lips were chapped and both their noses bumped on the first try. Daehwi was close to giving up and pull away to laugh it off with Jinyoung when suddenly, that latter had his hands on both of his cheeks and kissed him seriously this time. They were in a more comfortable position now, with Jinyoung mostly leading. Daehwi had never been kissed. He had only seen kisses like these happen in romantic comedies he and his mother liked watching sometimes. It wasn’t harsh per se, Jinyoung’s hands had eventually loosened its hold on Daehwi’s face before slowly letting go. Once he did that, Daehwi thought he’d stop. But it was weird how they still managed to continue. Now, Daehwi’s hands were around Jinyoung’s neck, wanting for more contact than he initially liked. The kiss was slow, both of them just softly nibbling on each other’s lips. It wasn’t like what his friends described. To him, there wasn’t what girls had described as butterflies in their stomach. There wasn’t fireworks. But, there was the lack of air, his speeding heart rate and his mind just halting all rational thoughts. What was rational about kissing your own best friend? The same best friend who said he liked this girl from his P.E class just a few weeks ago but was now kissing him on his parents’ couch._

 

_Jinyoung then decided to take it a few steps further and caught Daehwi by surprise when he felt a muscle poke at the edge of his teeth. In a moment of sheer embarrassment, Daehwi immediately pulled away from the kiss, backing away from Jinyoung as far away as he could on the couch (and yes, it wasn’t very far). Daehwi’s face was scarlet, his cheeks heated by what just happened. Jinyoung sat on his place looking stunned and equally flustered. They stared at each other for a good solid minute before Daehwi decided to break the silence. “Yeah, was that enough proof for you?” He pursed his lips into a thin line, avoiding Jinyoung’s gaze._

 

_“Uh.. yeah” was all Jinyoung could respond._

_Daehwi threw another pillow at Jinyoung and left him on the couch before heading upstairs. “Jerkwad” Daehwi seethed._

 

* * *

 

It didn’t take long for Jinyoung to catch up to Daehwi at an empty parking lot. Tears stained Daehwi’s cheeks as he defiantly tried to free himself from Jinyoung’s hold once more. There were a few people frolicking around the area and Daehwi didn’t want to make a fuss. The town had knew about him and Jinyoung long ago but he also knew that they all passed it off as a rumor and let Jinyoung off the hook. Daehwi, on the other hand, didn’t have the better end of the deal. They all knew what he was and even if they hid their disgust in friendly smiles and posh compliments, Daehwi knew what they were thinking. He has seen them too many times in his life time. He didn’t want Jinyoung to feel the same. 

 

“Why are you following me anyways? You were living your life better without me in it. You were being normal. You were going to get married, Jinyoung. Why did you throw it all away?” 

 

It surprised him that Daehwi actually brought up that he was engaged at one point. Their paths never crossed even if sometimes, they met the same people. But as much as they knew about each other, neither of them ever had the courage to face each other again. Jinyoung knew that even Daehwi had this unsaid fear that lingered between them. The fear of hurting each other again after all they went through. But Daehwi chose to face his identity headstrong. He’d face everyone’s criticisms and brushed them off with a smile. He’d hold hands with other people, people like him, people that like him, people he thinks that like him and it had hurt Jinyoung all these years that he wasn’t the one holding Daehwi’s hand through it all. 

 

“Normal? Daehwi, I’ve been feeling hollow for years, do you think that’s normal? Do you think it’s easy for me to hear people saying you’ve been out with other guys at parties? How heartless can you get?” Finally, it was like a minute amount of Jinyoung’s frustrations were eased out of his chest. It wasn’t much but it was progress. “You left me because you thought you were robbing me of a fucking normal life but did you even consider what I wanted?” 

 

Daehwi was silent the whole time Jinyoung had poured out his share of thoughts over the years. It was true that he didn’t consider what Jinyoung wanted but Jinyoung was young then, he didn’t know what he wanted was the right choice for him. They had faced ridicule to the point of him being confronted by his own family and the last thing Daehwi wanted was to take that away from him. 

 

“You didn’t know what you wanted back then and it’s obvious now that you’re still that idiot from years ago. Grow up Jinyoung, I’m doing this for you. You have a shot at having a family, marrying some beautiful girl that you’ll have children with and live in some conservative suburban place like this with a white picket fence. Me? You’re not going to have a future with me, you already know that.” Daehwi smiled amidst the quiet sobs that left him. He knew that meeting Jinyoung would lead to this. Unsaid words piling up the tension and ache that they had both tried to keep in a closet as they avoided each other over the years. 

 

“Why are you listening to them, Daehwi? Why do you always keep listening to them? Are you just going to let them take advantage of you? Are those men, the ones who you keep meeting at that Paris club, enough to keep you contented with your life?” Jinyoung retorted, caring less about anyone that gave them weird looks as they passed the two of them by. 

 

“How are you sure you’re what I want? This stupid childish romance that keeps replaying in your memories, you have to get over it Jinyoung. We’re not eighteen anymore.” Daehwi’s eyes were fixed on Jinyoung now, the sobs sad subsided and instead a glare had taken over. 

 

“I meant what I said back then, it wasn’t a phase Daehwi. I really still-” Daehwi covered Jinyoung’s mouth before he could continue. “Don’t” he said sternly. “Don’t continue. I can’t do this with you, Jinyoung. I just wanted to catch up with you. Maybe be friends with you again like when we were kids. I can’t be with you. I just can’t anymore. I’m sorry.” 

 

Jinyoung pulled Daehwi’s hand away, his heart constricting at Daehwi’s words. “Why?” he whispered. “Why can’t it be me?” 

 

“You know full well why it can’t be you,” Daehwi replied quietly but enough for Jinyoung to hear. “Move on Jinyoung, I’m just one guy out of a thousand amazing girls. I’m not worth throwing away a life without prejudice.” 

 

Jinyoung slowly let go of Daehwi’s hands, feeling a little bit more helpless as he continued. It relieved Daehwi how Jinyoung’s resolve was slowly dissipating. But just when he thought he was ready to leave Jinyoung one last time, Jinyoung began to speak in a more somber tone. “Why do you keep insisting that you know what I want for myself? Is that why you left me without a word? Because you thought it was good for me? Bullshit, Daehwi. I already told you what I wanted from the beginning. The day before you left, I was so ready to leave everything just for you.” 

 

“I didn’t want you to do that for me!” Daehwi replied. “I couldn’t tell you then but I didn’t want you to throw your whole life away because of me. Your mother loved you so much that she didn’t want to lose you, you know that. Annie needed you then. My mom needed me. We couldn’t be selfish teenagers, Jinyoung. Even now, I still don’t want to be selfish. To rob you of something you can have.” 

 

“STOP SAYING THAT!” Jinyoung retorted furiously. “If you honestly think, for one second, that a wife and a white picket fence was what I wanted for myself then you must have been in a relationship with a stranger for years. That was never what I wanted for myself, Daehwi.” 

 

This time, it was Jinyoung who was walking away, turning his back on Daehwi. 

 

Daehwi didn’t have the urge to reach out. Like Jinyoung, he had been hollow for years. He had avoided any invitations in New York that involved business in case Jinyoung showed up. He had been avoiding Jinyoung for years, not wanting to break the vow he had made back then. 

 

At that time, before he had moved to Chicago with his aunt, he considered accepting Jinyoung’s offer. He really did. But then, he had already made his decision even before the offer. It wasn’t the easiest decision. But it was for the best. Daehwi didn’t want to admit it to himself but after all time, after all the bodies he had held and all the kisses he had shared with both familiar and unfamiliar face, he had never stopped loving Jinyoung. He might as well be a hypocrite. Also equally foolish because at the end of the day, after everything that has happened between them, no one has ever made him feel too many things all at once like Jinyoung had. 

 

* * *

 

_Carter Residence, January 1989_

 

_Even if it had been a year since they had been together officially (and secretly), Daehwi still wasn’t used to the fact that his best friend had suddenly become his boyfriend. He was still waiting for someone pinch his side and tell him it was all just a practical joke. As much as he loved Jinyoung and somehow now, in a way that was different than before, he still wondered if what they were doing was right. He wondered if taking the next step with a boy he has known for a very long time was wise. But then, a selfish part of him wanted Jinyoung all to himself. He might have not noticed it before they got together or maybe he had just gotten used to it that he might have overlooked it but Jinyoung felt so close to home. It wasn’t whirlwind, dangerous or the kind where sparks led them into bursting flames in heated moments of romance. It was safe, comfort and the kind of tenderness that made his chest warm whenever they were alone together._

 

_But sometimes, it was hard to believe that their relationship was made to last._

 

_“David,” Jinyoung’s mother was in their kitchen was Daehwi sat on one of the stools near their counter, helping himself to one of Jinyoung’s mother’s chocolate chip cookies. His mother always made the chunky ones with delicious melted chocolate at the center to which Daehwi always loved._

 

_“Yes?” he replied, while munching on a cookie._

 

_“I’ve been hearing things from other people. I know it’s not true and maybe you and Jinyoung are just really close but they keep saying that both of you are maybe,” there was a pause there. Some sort of hesitation as if she was scared of offending Daehwi in any way. “lovers?” she continued but brushed it off with a laugh. “But I keep telling them that you and Jinyoung have been friends for years that’s why you two are inseparable.”_

 

_Daehwi had stopped eating the cookies at that point. His heart had constricted tight against his chest and it was like the air was being sucked out of him. He still had to think of a response though. It would come off weird if Jinyoung’s mother respond to the supposedly ridiculous claim._

 

_“Pft, they’re so weird.” He forced a laugh. “It’s ridiculous, Jinyoung told me a few weeks back that he still thinks Melanie Chang was pretty.”_

 

_It wasn’t completely a lie. The said girl was the core of their arguments a few weeks ago. It had something to do with Jinyoung admitted that yes, she was pretty and eventually told Daehwi it didn’t matter because he didn’t like her that way._

 

_“I see, Melanie is a very pretty girl. I wouldn’t mind having her for a daughter-in-law.” She said with a genuine smile. “It would really break my heart if Jinyoung did end up like Mrs. Martin’s son. I can’t believe he’d just run off with some older man. He had his whole life ahead of him. There was never really signs of Arthur being gay but I guess you can just never really tell with people.”_

 

_Daehwi just wished Jinyoung’s mother would just change the topic. As tasty as her cookies are, they were hard to digest along with the progressing scrutinizing topic on sexuality. “Yeah,” Daehwi replied simply._

 

_“If Jinyoung were to run off with some boy, I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably be very devastated too” she sighed._

 

_“How about if he ran away with some girl?” His mouth was stale as the question escaped Daehwi’s mouth. He just wished the idea would be treated the same way._

 

_“Now that depends really, why would he have to run away? I trust Jinyoung’s taste in women. I’m pretty sure he’d find someone decent like his mother.” His mother replied in a rather amused tone._

 

_Of course his mother would hate the fact that her son would run off with some man. It would be wishful thinking if his mother approved of the fact that maybe his son might also be into men as well. Jinyoung was all she had left of her late husband and the thought of probably losing Jinyoung because he loved someone of the same gender would break her heart. Daehwi felt as if the world had swallowed him whole on his seat, feeling the pit of his stomach turn queasy. He knew this would happen eventually, hearing the voice of Jinyoung’s mother’s disapproval. He just wished he was ready for the missile launch before it exploded and broke him to pieces._

 

* * *

 

Daehwi had left his mother in their small town to escape the criticizing eyes of the people who were disappointed in him after rumors had spread that he had seduced Jinyoung into liking him. His best friend Ennik insisted that she didn’t want to tell him what she heard were the rumors about Daehwi was but he forced it out of her. He wanted to know how vile the world thought of him for loving someone he was supposedly not meant to have.

 

_“They said that you influenced Jinyoung into doing those things.”_

 

_“They’re saying that you were simply the one in love with Jinyoung and that Jinyoung was just being a nice friend.”_

 

_“They said-”_

 

 

His mother was still in the living room watching television once he arrived home from the party. It was strange how his mother noticed right away that he wasn’t in the best shape. She was looking at Daehwi with sad eyes and left her couch to hug her son. His mother had known his struggles and held his hand through it all. Tears continued to stream down his cheeks as he hugged her tight and burying his face against her shoulders. It was like he was seven again, his mother cooing him to calm down while he tried to get over a nightmare. 

 

“Did you meet him, Daehwi?” she asked while rubbing Daehwi’s back in comfort. 

 

He nodded in response. “Why do I have to keep letting him go, mom? Even after all these years, it’s still so hard.” 

 

His mother remained silent throughout his cries, wanting his son to just let all his frustrations out. Although her son had been blessed with success, she knew that there was always something missing in his life that he could never fill. She knew that the scars of her son’s past still haunted him and that only one thing can keep him contented. It was hard seeing her own treasure weep for something he could never have just because society condemned it. If she could, she wanted to just burn all the eyes of pure judgement for the sake of her only son. But she has lived a long life and she knew that the world didn’t work that way. 

 

“Don’t worry,” she said in her soft consoling tone, “I’m sure that one day, you will find someone even better for you, okay? Someone who can hold your hand even when it gets hard. For now, mom will be the one holding you until you find that special person, okay my precious Daehwi?” Daehwi could hear his mother’s voice shaking. 

 

For the rest of the night, he and his mother sat down on the couch and watched re-runs of weekday soap operas. It had been months since Daehwi had seen his mother. He’d phone her twice a week and those were days when he got a hold of his telephone. Most of the time, he was too busy focusing on his rising career in the industry that sometimes, he wished he could take his mother to New York. He started telling her about the celebrity clients that he handled for the past few month. His mother would listen to him intently while smiling and laughing at few of his stories. 

 

Daehwi was glad that his night didn’t have to seem so bad. That was probably the beauty of mothers, he thought. Or maybe the beauty of his mother specifically. 

 

The woman who had raised him and loved him even when people were starting to point spiteful fingers at him. His mother never failed to make him feel loved no matter what.


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

_Lee Residence, September 1989_

 

_Stiff air was surrounding the dining room as Jinyoung’s mother got a closer look at Daehwi’s bruised face. Her expression was a mixture of sadness, guilt and fear. Daehwi already knew why she had come to visit. Jinyoung had told him that he and father fought over what had happened in school yesterday. Jinyoung was currently staying at Samuel’s house for the time being. His mother probably knew this by now, seeing that her son wasn’t present._

 

_There was silence for a while. A glass of water was prepared for Jinyoung’s mother on top of the table but it was left untouched. Daehwi couldn’t bring himself to look her in the eye. He knew that Jinyoung’s mother probably blamed him for the incident that happened in school. She probably hated him now, knowing that he was in a relationship with her son. She was probably also going to yell at his mother. She was probably going to tell her that she didn’t raise Daehwi right. His mind was trying to prepare him for any possible outbursts that might come his way. But in the end, Jinyoung’s mother lowered her head down and bowed in front of Daehwi and his mother._

 

_“Please break up with Jinyoung,” they could hear her voice shaking along with quiet sobs that came in between her sentences as she begged them. “I know you love my son. I’m really sorry, Daehwi but Jinyoung is all I have left from late husband. I don’t want to lose my Jinyoung. Please break up with him.”_

 

_Daehwi was left speechless. He expected to be yelled at, to be called unnatural or a demon for seducing her son. But she sat in front of him, begging him to let go of her son whom she loved so much. Tears started streaming down his cheeks and he looked at his mother, trying to find the answer in her eyes. He, himself, didn’t know what to do. He had promised Jinyoung that they’d be together no matter what but as everything was spiraling out of control. He wasn’t sure if that forever was even a path for them._

 

_His mother looked tired. He knew that she had been crying last night in her room. The whole situation had taken a toll on her and it was like she aged five years due to worrying about him. His mother held his hand, squeezing it gently in comfort. There was no look of anger in his mother’s face. She probably also knew what Jinyoung’s mother was going through. If he and Jinyoung were to stay together, Jinyoung would grow distant with his family. It also assured people that, yes, Jinyoung and he were in the same boat._

 

_They would be ridiculed._

_They would be condemned._

_Jinyoung would be labeled negatively and the future he had built for himself would just crumble down._

_Daehwi had already knew this was coming._

_He wished it didn’t come sooner._

_As much as he loved Jinyoung, he knew that it was never meant to last._

_He’d cry every night thinking about how ephemeral it all was._

_Now, he was crying as it crumbled right before his eyes and all he could do was just sit and watch._

 

_“Daehwi,” it was his mother’s turn to talk this time. “I know what you and Jinyoung have is precious to you both and I want nothing more than just to see you happy. But baby, I don’t think this is the right time for you both. You and Jinyoung are both so young and we’re just afraid that both of you are not ready for what’s ahead yet. Sometimes, love just isn’t enough when the circumstances aren’t in your favor. There’s just some things you have to yield to. I’m sorry, Daehwi but the last thing I want is to see you suffer. That’s why, I also asked your aunt if you wanted to move with her to Chicago. I don’t want anyone to hurt you here. I want you to be happy but your safety is my first priority.” She hugged her son close, trying to fight back the tears that were also threatening to fall down her eyes. “I really wished there was another way but, you’re the only one I have left, Daehwi. I can’t bear to lose you too.”_

 

_No matter how much Daehwi had loved Jinyoung, he didn’t want to see his mother suffer because he was suffering. It wasn’t fair to her. So much was taken from her and all she had left was him. A son who couldn’t get his heart to work like a normal boy would. A son who had to fall for a wonderful boy who’d run away with him if it meant to be together in a forever that was never meant for them. The world was cruel to him. The world was cruel to his mother. He didn’t want to make it a living hell for her just because of his selfish decisions._

 

_And with that, he had no choice but to hold on to broken shards stinging his chest as he decided to live a life without Jinyoung in it._

 

* * *

 

 

Millie’s Diner, December 1999

 

It had been months since Jinyoung had seen his little sister. His sister already graduated high school and she was as beautiful as ever. She had his stepfather’s features but his mother’s charm. He was happy he had the chance to eat breakfast with his sister since their parents left early in the morning for some sort of trip to another town. He decided it would be best to have a meal together before they saw each other less and less. Annie was going to apply at university in Chicago and leave their small town as well. 

 

The diner that they decided to have breakfast in had been in their town for as long as they could remember. It was where Jinyoung had spent most of his birthdays as a kid. Though, it didn’t look the same as it was back then since they’ve renovated the place over the years. 

 

Annie had been bombarding him with questions about last night for an hour. She kept telling Jinyoung that the look on his face when he returned home didn’t seem like the face that didn’t have much going on. He looked like the grim reaper took over his body or something to which Jinyoung merely dismissed with a laugh. Jinyoung wasn’t sure it was a topic he could discuss with his sister just yet. His sister may already be a grown woman but she might still find it too complicated to digest his situation just yet. 

 

Her complaints ceased when a waitress approached them to take their order. She wore a bright smile on her lips as she scribbled down the orders he and his sister dictated. He’d have their special bacon and eggs meal as usual and Annie would get their three-piece pancakes with maple syrup. After repeating their orders, the waitress glanced at both of them for confirmation then flashed Jinyoung a wink before returning back to the counter. Annie couldn’t help but burst into laughter at what she saw. Jinyoung was unfazed by the gesture, showing no interest at the waitress’s act to get his attention. 

 

“I think she likes you” Annie teased. 

 

“I’m not interested in dating anyone right now,” Jinyoung replied monotonously as he skimmed through the free newspaper given by the diner. 

 

“Of course, you’re only interested in dating David, right?” 

 

Jinyoung froze at Annie’s sudden comment. He lowered his newspaper to give his sister a feigned confused expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Annie. David and I are just friends. We were just friends I mean.” 

 

“Don’t lie to me, Jinyoung. I saw both of you making out before. I’m not an idiot. Was that why you were so pissed last night? Did you meet him?” 

 

Jinyoung was too stunned by his sister’s confession that he couldn’t even reply without making weird broken noises that could pass off as a poor excuse to form sentences. 

 

“I also heard rumors about the two of you before. They say David only took advantage of you because you were too kind to refuse him but that wasn’t the case, wasn’t it? You really loved him, didn’t you? That’s why you also didn’t pull through with your engagement with Lizbeth. That’s why before David left, you and dad had a fight.” 

 

“You’re making too many ridiculous assumptions, Annie. Those soap operas are filling your head with weird thoughts.” Jinyoung refuted. He couldn’t believe that his sister had known all along. Jinyoung had tried his best to keep everything from Annie so as not to alienate himself from his sister due to the fact that her brother liked another boy. She probably wouldn’t understand. She probably wouldn’t see him the same way. But now, he wasn’t so sure.

 

“You know that no matter what, no matter who you love, you’re still my brother, right?” Annie told him. “I knew that when David left, you kept forcing yourself but your eyes looked puffy every morning. I always knew, Jinyoung. I was just waiting for you to tell me.” She grabbed a hold of her brother’s hand and gave him one of her tender smiles. Her eyes looked glassy as she squeezed Jinyoung’s hand. “You finally saw him, right? It hurt that you never tell me these things but I also figured that maybe you were just too scared. So, I want you to know first that I want you to be happy. I want you to love who you want to love. No matter who you love, I’ll always be your sister.” 

 

There was a warm feeling welling up in Jinyoung’s chest as his sister said this to him. He remembered Annie just being a baby and holding her until she fell asleep. He remembered the times he’d drive her to school dances while he visited home or when her first boyfriend cheated on her, Jinyoung broke the guy’s nose and paid for his hospital bills afterwards. His sister really grew up into someone he’d come to be proud of and he was glad that she had grew up and come to accept him as he was.

 

“Pffft” he tried to play it off coolly, trying to hide the happiness inside of him. “You can’t change the fact that I’m your brother anyways, regardless of the fact that I may or may not like the person of which you speak of.” 

 

His sister merely laughed at him for his reply and slapped his arm. “I was trying to be sentimental here. Way to ruin the moment.”

 

“That’s what brothers are for.” He joked.

 

As a few minutes passed, the waitress returned with their food at hand. She placed white napkins near their plates and Jinyoung noticed his with scribbles on it. The waitress’s number with her name beside a heart. When his sister saw this, she cackled so loud, Jinyoung was afraid the whole world could hear her. It wasn’t new to Jinyoung that women approached him first but it still felt weird to him that people were trying to make a move on him and he still didn’t know what to do.

 

“Are you going to call her?” Annie asked, a teasing smile evident on her lips. 

 

“She’s too young for me.” Jinyoung replied shyly before taking a bite out of his meal. 

 

When he thought his day couldn’t get any weirder, his body froze at the sight of the two new customers that came in. He thought the heavens were probably teasing him as Daehwi and his mother entered the diner together. They caught each other’s eye for a solid minute, Daehwi only looking away when his mother tapped him by the shoulder.

 

“Bro, what’s wrong?” Annie looked behind her to see what Jinyoung was staring at. She turned to him with an excited look on her face, as if she won the lottery or something. “It’s David!” 

 

Sometimes, Jinyoung wished his sister’s voice wasn’t so loud when she felt so happy.

 

Annie left her seat and ran to where Daehwi and his mother were. Annie immediately hugged Daehwi after their greeting and it was evident that Daehwi was glad to see Annie again. Daehwi always treated Annie as his own sister, even when they were kids. He’d do her make-up for her during plays or would dress her up when she had to go to kiddie parties. 

 

After greeting them, Daehwi left the diner along with his mother. It was obvious that he was still avoiding Jinyoung after what had happened last night. Jinyoung didn’t want to see him yet either. When his sister returned to her seat, she had the look of disappointment on her face. “It looks like he’s avoiding you.” 

 

“We’ve been avoiding each other for years, what else is new?” 

 

“What happened? Why is it so hard for you two to get back together?” she asked him and Jinyoung wished he knew the answer to that question as well. Daehwi had been adamant to keep him at a distance and kept pushing him away, saying that he wanted Jinyoung to live a “normal” life. A life where he didn’t have to be criticized for choosing to love someone of the same gender. To Jinyoung, being criticized wasn’t as painful as feeling empty after Daehwi had left him without a word. 

 

“I don’t really know why too,” Jinyoung sighed. “That’s something I’ve been wondering about all these years myself.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Newton High School, November 1985_

 

_It had been days since Jinyoung and Daehwi shared that kiss on that one Friday night and for some reason, Daehwi had been avoiding Jinyoung like a plague. Every time Jinyoung even thought of approaching Daehwi, the latter would catch the attention of another person and walk away. Sometimes when Jinyoung did get his attention, Daehwi wouldn’t look him in the eye and would give him some lame excuse just to avoid having a conversation with him. Was it really that big of a deal to him?_

 

_Then again, Jinyoung did have to admit, kissing Daehwi was an entirely new experience. It almost felt like his first time, or maybe something even better than his first time. It was clumsy, probably due to the fact that Daehwi was inexperienced in that aspect and it wasn’t like Jinyoung was an expert himself. Maybe kissing a boy didn’t count. Maybe kissing a boy was an ultimately different experience in its own way. Maybe he’d get to figure this out if only Daehwi would actually talk to him._

 

_When Jinyoung finally got a chance to catch him after his choir practice, he cornered Daehwi while the he made his way towards the school lockers. “Look, I know you’ve been avoiding me. Just talk to me for a sec”_

 

_“What is there to talk about anyways?” Daehwi still wasn’t looking at him in the eye. His gaze was focused on his shoes and Jinyoung couldn’t figure out why Daehwi was sounding really evasive._

 

_“Is this because of the ki-” before Jinyoung could continue, Daehwi covered his mouth frantically, afraid that anyone nearby would hear Jinyoung’s already very low voice._

 

_“Don’t say it in public!” He sounded frazzled, almost like he was going to be executed if anyone actually knew about it. “Okay, yes, I’ve been thinking about it. It was my first time, okay? You can’t blame me for being awkward around you. Why is it so easy for you anyways? You walk around like some big shot and act like it isn’t such a big deal”_

 

_Jinyoung studied the way Daehwi looked at him. It was the first time in days that he actually looked Jinyoung straight in the eyes, unfortunately, it was during a moment of erupted frustration and it still puzzled Jinyoung why he was acting that way._

 

_“I thought we established that it wasn’t going to be a big deal-” Jinyoung was surprised to see the look of hurt written all over Daehwi’s face. His heart sank as well and it came with a painful blow on his stomach as Daehwi threw him a punch._

 

_“DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN, BAE JINYOUNG!” Daehwi cried as he walked passed Jinyoung, who was clutching his stomach after the hard punch._

 

_Jinyoung cursed under his breath. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it but he swore he could have seen Daehwi starting to cry after landing his punch._

 

* * *

 

Moe’s Diner, 1999

 

If he knew he would run into Jinyoung outside, Daehwi would have opted he and his mother stayed home for breakfast. The intense gaze that Jinyoung returned was enough to still keep his heart racing. He didn’t want to admit it, but Jinyoung still had that youthful charm except there was a more mature atmosphere surrounding him. Daehwi still couldn’t put a finger around it but there was something even more compelling to Jinyoung now than before. His mother snapped him out of his daze and asked him what was wrong to which he brushed off with a smile. 

 

“I’m fine,” he replied. “It’s just, I didn’t expect to run into him so soon. Seeing as we met on a sour note last night, I didn’t want to make it even more awkward.” There was a pause for a short moment and then, he continued. “But it was good to see, Annie. I really missed her. She looked really pretty.” 

 

“Yeah, I heard from her mother that she’s going away to college soon. Time runs so fast, doesn’t it?” His mother said, fondly. 

 

“You’re right. I just wished I got to see her more, growing up. You did her hair and make-up for dances right?” 

 

“Yes, Jinyoung was always there for her dances. He’d drive his sister to the salon and even bring her and her date to the prom.” It was then that his mother realized her mistake and tried to change the topic quickly. “So about that man you talked about before? His name was James right? Where did you meet him?” 

 

“At a night club. We just meet every now and then. He’s a photographer. I think he’s nice. He sees the world differently. I’m still not sure about him yet but you know, I think I’ll give him a chance.”

 

“Will I get to meet him?” 

 

“I hope so...”

 

* * *

_Mindy’s Hair Salon, June 1990_

 

_The salon was always packed on a Sunday. Daehwi’s mother had hired five new stylists to join her but she was still very hands-on on the work around the place. She was busy moving around, even entertaining the mothers that came to chat with her. Jinyoung was sitting at the visitor’s area where he waited for his sister to finish her hair cut. It had been months since he talked to his parents again and now, they were able to ask him to do errands albeit, his step-father still uses a very rigid-tone whilst speaking to him._

 

_At the far end of the room, Daehwi’s mother had ceased all hands-on work and socializing to focus on cutting Annie’s hair. She always seemed to prefer being the one to do it for Annie and his mother. Even after what happened with Daehwi, Mrs. Lee and his mother still had a pretty friendly relationship. There were no ill feelings towards each other which he found pretty odd given their situation. Maybe it was Mrs. Lee’s nature or maybe she and his mother had some sort of secret agreement. Either way, he found it a bit unsettling._

 

_In times when he came to visit the salon, he wondered if Daehwi would ever come through the door. He sometimes wished it would happen. He wished that somehow Daehwi would just come in and maybe sit beside him. He’d look around to see if anyone was nosy enough to look then sneakily reach for Jinyoung’s hand. They were simple moments that Jinyoung hoped he could bring back. He remembered the way Daehwi would glance at him and smile before they’d interlock their fingers as if it was the happiest thing they could do together. He closed his eyes and imagined those moments again. It seemed to calm him at times but there was always a feeling of uneasiness at the end. The feeling of reaching out for something that’s not there._

 

_After Annie was finished with her hair cut, she walked back to where Jinyoung was with Mrs. Lee right behind her._

 

_“Jin!” She tackled Jinyoung for a hug, flashing him a huge toothy grin. “What do you think?” she asked._

 

_“I love it. You look really pretty, Annie.” He smiled back at his sister fondly. “Do you want to stop by Millie’s and maybe get some ice cream?”_

 

_Annie nodded in excitement, “The last one out has to pay!” she teased before quickly making her way out of the salon._

 

_“Wait, Annie!” Jinyoung tried to stop her from getting away but he stood in his place when he noticed that Mrs. Lee was still standing in front of him._

 

_“I’m glad you like your sister’s new haircut,” she said, a small smile forming on her lips._

 

_“Yeah, my sister is always pretty no matter how short or long her hair is,” he replied._

 

_“That’s true,” Mrs. Lee managed to chuckle at that. “Jinyoung, about Daehwi, he’s doing fine so I don’t want you to worry, okay?”_

 

_“I’m not worried about him,” he told her bluntly. “I miss him. It’s been months but I still don’t get why we have to do this.” He bit his lip, trying to choose his words carefully. The ache was still so raw. He pursed his lips before continuing on with a sigh, “I really do love your son, Mrs. Lee. I just wanted you to know that.” Then, Jinyoung walked out of the salon before Mrs. Lee could even get a word out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I want to thank the people who left the kudos and the comments on this story. It really means a lot to me. I'll do my best to finish this with an ending that will hopefully satisfy you all. I also can't wait to contribute to the panwink fandom next.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep telling myself it's almost ending but I never actually end it right away. I don't know, I want the pining to be slow and painful like how it actually is in real life HAHAHAHAH but anyways, I need Wanna One mutuals. If you'r an ARMY as well then even better. Hit me up at @parkjillegal
> 
> I have a lot of school work piling up so updates are slow. I'm actually itching to make a PanWink story now but I'm so busy and I want to finish this story. Please slap me. Okno. 
> 
> Thank you again for all the people who left kudos and comments. I really appreciate you all and would like to be your friend. I reply to you guys as much as I can because you guys urge me to write. Okay, I'm being sappy. I hope you enjoy this. Kbye.

 

 

Mindy’s Hair Salon, December 1999

 

Daehwi had promised his mother that he would help out for a couple of days in her shop before he left for New York. It was safe to say that everyone took advantage of the remaining days that a stylist who has been working in several prestigious fashion shows was around town, giving affordable hair cuts to women. So on those days, his mother’s shop was always packed. On Daehwi’s second day, his schedule was so full that he suddenly regretted ever giving in to his mother’s request. All the women that came by greeted him politely, even the ones who had scorned him in the past. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that. But for his mother’s sake, he had to bite back his tongue and smile. Normally, he was used to it. There were countless of nasty people in the fashion industry he had to cope with so putting on fake smiles and trying not to mess up their hair do wasn’t that much of a challenge. 

 

Of course, along the way, he had met the people he had liked as well. In the morning, he had met Amanda. The girl who asked if he could braid her hair for her eighth birthday which he delightedly did. Daehwi even took the effort to choose her clothes for the party and made her look like a princess on her special day. Lucky enough, she received tons of praises on her special day. After that, she’d ask Daehwi for help whenever she went on dates with guys and offered him food as compensation. Amanda was sweet even if her parents were a little bit conservative and would give Daehwi weird looks sometimes. A few hours after that, he also met Stacey. Stacey got pregnant at the age of sixteen so she got a lot of flack from most people at school. Daehwi wasn’t afraid to talk to her and even became her friend along the way. Unfortunately, she had to drop out of school to provide for her child but she and Daehwi remained good friends ever since. She brought her daughter to the salon and Daehwi was delighted to see how beautiful her daughter had become. Once Amanda had finished her hair cut, her daughter followed suit. 

 

He was genuinely happy to see all the people that had been nice to him in their small town. There was happiness in the nostalgia that came with it. It wasn’t like he spent most of his life with Jinyoung. It wasn’t like his world revolved around Jinyoung from the very beginning. There was so much more in his past that he had come to appreciate. 

 

His afternoon schedule was as hectic as his morning’s schedule and Daehwi was glad that his mother’s shop closed early on weekdays. Once the clock hit four o’ clock, he sighed in relieve as he was about to face his last customer. 

“Hello David, how have you been?” Daehwi was stunned to find Jinyoung’s mother standing before him. She was the last person Daehwi wanted to encounter during his visit. He never thought that Mrs. Carter would ever think of stepping foot inside their salon after what had happened. But judging by the way the other workers were greeting her, it was as if she was a regular at the salon. 

 

“Uhm, yeah, I’ve been doing great, Mrs. Carter.” he replied.

 

Mrs. Carter had that usual warm smile on her face. A smile he remembered from years ago albeit her features seemed to have changed with visible lines etched on her skin. She always had this sort of soft and caring tone in her voice but even so, the encounter still managed to make Daehwi nervous. When Mrs. Carter sat down on her seat, Daehwi snapped out of it and wrapped the cloth around her neck before flinging her hair outwards and positioned them to the side. 

 

“How do you want me to cut your hair?” he asked.

 

“Just make it a few inches shorter. Not too short,” she requested. 

 

“Okay,” Daehwi replied before beginning to spray water on her hair.

 

“Did you meet Jinyoung?” She asked as Daehwi began clipping portions of her hair to stay up. 

 

“Yeah, I did.” He replied simply.

 

“Do you still love my son?” 

 

“I don’t think that’s a conversation we should be having while I cut your hair, Mrs. Carter,” he brushed off her question with a smile. Daehwi didn’t want his feelings to distract him while he was on the job. “We should should continue catching up instead. Like, is your new business going well?” 

 

She didn’t reply and by the look she had on the mirror, she didn’t seem all too pleased with the change of discussion. Or rather, there was a sadness in her eyes. One that was filled with guilt. 

 

“Okay, but will it be okay if I asked you to have dinner with me after this? There’s just something I want to talk to you about, if that’s okay.” 

 

Daehwi already had a gut feeling as to where their dinner conversation was going to go. The thought of possibly discussing what had happened in the past made his stomach feel a bit queasy. Mrs. Carter was a nice woman. He knew this after she didn’t lash out when she found out Daehwi was dating her son. Rather than yell at him in anger, she quietly begged him to let go of him. The reason being that she didn’t want her son to distance himself from their family, given that there was a building rift in Jinyoung and his stepfather’s relationship. It probably mended when he and Daehwi had separated.

 

Daehwi was hesitant. 

 

The last time he met Jinyoung, they made it clear that there was never a future between in the first place. 

 

Or Daehwi made it clear that Jinyoung was meant for something he couldn’t provide for him. 

 

Years of holding on to his feelings for Jinyoung, he knew that he could never forget the boy who had loved him in a way he never imagined a boy would love another boy. The kind he desperately prayed would never end even as the thoughts of people condemning them when it came to light swallowed his mind whole every other day. The words his Mrs. Carter said to him about being disappointed in Jinyoung if ever he had a man as a lover, haunted him years ago. The guilt. The ache. The tears that came before he slept.

 

Daehwi knew that if he accepted Mrs. Carter’s offer, he would be taking another two steps back to the past he wanted to forget. 

 

“Sure,” he agreed.

 

* * *

 

 

_Millie’s Diner, December 1985_

 

_It was karaoke night at Millie’s and the place was packed with people. Millie’s karaoke night was a big gathering around town as people both young and old competed for the golden microphone. Jinyoung didn’t usually attend the said event since he didn’t like really crowded places but he just really needed to talk to Daehwi. As he beelined his way through the crowd, he saw Daehwi backstage, doing Ennik’s hair and make-up. He could never get a hold of him after Daehwi got mad at him a few weeks ago and it drove him mad that he couldn’t even start a conversation with Daehwi without being glared at. And Daehwi’s fury wasn’t the only thing that drove him mad, he wondered why he even asked to kiss Daehwi that night in the first place. It was he who insisted. It wasn’t a big deal at first but then, there was just something in that moment that may have urged him to go further. Some sort of unconscious desire he always had._

 

_He knew he didn’t like boys._

 

_Initially, he always preferred girls._

 

_Girls were delicate. Beautiful._

 

_Men? The thought of liking other men was ridiculous. He couldn’t imagine kissing other men._

 

_But Daehwi? He wondered why that kiss still haunted him. It wasn’t anything phenomenal. It was messy, awkward and yes, even if he didn’t want to admit it, a little sweet. Metaphorically speaking of course, because they had buttered popcorn that night._

 

_Jinyoung was about to approach Daehwi backstage when someone stopped him from entering. It was one of the organizers who held him back and glared at him menacingly. She was a waitress at Millie’s whom Jinyoung always thought looked intimidating. Everyone called her Angry Betty since she always yelled at kids who were always too loud during her shift. Her ability to make customers fear her was probably the reason why the management made her the body guard backstage. That, and they probably didn’t want her scolding the drunk kids who paid big money that night. “Only contestants are allowed inside. So unless you plan to sign up, you can’t enter backstage,” she told him._

 

_“I’ll sign up,” Jinyoung said without thinking._

 

_An organizer nearby had heard him and turned to his direction in excitement. It was Melanie Chang. The last person he wanted to see was Melanie Chang who probably still thinks that Jinyoung still likes her because some girl caught him staring at her in Math Class once and told the whole class about it. She was pretty easy on the eyes so yeah, at that time, Jinyoung couldn’t really help but look her way once in a while. But it wasn’t like it was that big of a deal. It was weird how uncomfortable it was now for her to look at Jinyoung with so much enthusiasm as if she was expecting something from him._

 

_“You do? What are you planning to sing, Jin? Do you have music with you? If you don’t, we have a list for you to choose from.”_

 

_Jinyoung settled for the list then wrote his name on the sign up sheet._

 

_The last time Jinyoung performed in front of a crowd was when he was a male lead for a school play in sixth grade. His voice was decent enough to land him the part but that was when his voice didn’t reach puberty yet. Now, his voice was in a low baritone and he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to pull it off. But then, he remembered that sometimes, the crowd appreciated a little dedication or professions of love. He might use that to his advantage and maybe not make a fool out of himself._

 

_“Alrighty Jin, you’ll be performing first,” Melanie grinned._

 

_“Wait, what, but I’m haven’t prepared yet,” Jinyoung protested._

 

_“Nonsense, it’s karaoke night, Jin. Not a talent show. Give it all you got!”_

 

_Jinyoung tried not to panic and see the brighter side of being first. For one, if he performed later in the night, Daehwi might leave soon after so he sucked it up and tried to remember the lyrics of the song that he chose._

 

_The program started a few minutes after and the crowd cheered as the host of the night stepped into the podium. It was none other than the owner’s daughter, Millie. She was proclaimed the town’s beauty after she won a local pageant a few months back. She was a few years older. Old enough to have gone to college. But she preferred to stay home and spend time with some gruff guy who worked at a motor shack. Jinyoung peeked from behind the curtains to watch as Millie made the crowd go wild. She wore skimpy clothes, Daisy Dukesand a top that almost looked like a corset that outline her figure perfectly. Jinyoung could hear whistles and howling from the back, probably from the middle-aged men who worked at the car shop. They were always the noisiest during karaoke nights. There were also a couple of Newton High school students who mingled in the crowd, some of them having beer in their hands. Karaoke nights were one of the events where some of his classmates could get away with drinking alcohol._

 

_“So, our next performer is the sixth grade Romeo, who made us all squeal years ago.”_

 

_Jinyoung couldn’t believe that Millie actually thought of bringing that up for her intro. The thought of actually bailing soon came to mind but then, Melanie pushed him towards the center of the stage and all eyes were now on Jinyoung._

 

_“JIN!” Millie announced._

 

_The crowd cheered as he made his way towards Millie, looking down on his feet since the sight of her revealing outfit made him a little flustered. He took the microphone that was being offered to him and was relieved when Millie quickly retreated backstage. Jinyoung tapped the microphone awkwardly before looking at the crowd before him. Usually, people had a short two minute introduction before the music started so the roars would usually die down by then._

 

_“Hi, uhm, in all honesty, I wasn’t going to do this but the person who has been avoiding me is here so I wanted to get this person’s attention,” he started._

 

_“IT’S A LOVE CONFESSION” Ben, a guy Jinyoung knew from math class, shouted from across the room._

 

_“SHUT UP BEN!” a girl from across Ben’s side of the room yelled back._

 

_“Yeah, er, to the person I kissed last November 7, 1985, it was never a mistake, please talk to me again,” As Jinyoung made the revelation, squeals and loud roars of laughter filled the room. The song he chose played and upon hearing the selection, the crowd elevated the volume of their support. Jinyoung’s eyes roamed the vicinity to see if Daehwi had joined the crowd. To his dismay, he was no where to be seen but he hoped that he was still back stage listening. Crazy for you by Madonna was one of Daehwi’s favorite songs. He’d sing it randomly sing it out of no where when he felt like breaking into a song. Cindy Lauper would have been Jinyoung’s second option but maybe Daehwi’s so-called future Queen of Pop would have a bigger impact on his message than Time after Time._

 

_Everyone the crowd sang along with him. Men and women alike swayed and joined him as he did his best not to make any lyrical mistakes. He was glad that Madonna’s voice wasn’t too high for his baritone one. He stayed in place, clutching the microphone as he tried to keep the lyrics in his head. His eyes wandered across the crowd again to look for Daehwi. All he saw were some of his schoolmates drunk singing to the song and a few girls keeping his eyes on him. Once he caught their gazes, he looked down bashfully and tried to snap out of it because they weren’t his target right now. This song was dedicated only to one person. It was for the biggest Madonna fan boy he ever knew._

 

_After the song had finished, he bowed slightly and waited for Millie to come back on stage. As he was about to make his escape from the stage, Millie stopped him and asked him about the person he dedicated the song to. All eyes were glued on Jinyoung as they waited for his answer. Some men were howling while some women in their thirties urged him in high pitched cheers. Jinyoung bit his lip nervously and took the mic from Millie to answer, “I kind of don’t want to disclose any names,” he decided to play coy. “But this was to a person who I know I can’t live without.”_

 

_Then, he quickly gave the microphone to Millie and rushed out of the stage before he was forced to answer another cheesy or dangerous question. As he made his way towards the exit, he met Ennik along the way. She gave him a proud smile and approached him, leaning closely to his ear to whisper a message. “He said to have breakfast with him tomorrow. And also, he said you’re an idiot.” Ennik chuckled afterwards and gave Jinyoung a pat on the shoulder. “I’m rooting for you guys.”_

 

_Jinyoung couldn’t help but smile as well. He was never really a morning person but he couldn’t help but look forward to tomorrow’s early morning breakfast._

 

* * *

 

 

Le Rouge, December 1999

 

The place Mrs. Carter had chosen for them was a newly opened restaurant close to the old bookstore he used to work part-time at. It had been the replacement for the old worn-down record store he remembered he used to love visting in high school. The place looked more refined than it’s predecessor and had a European feel to it, probably to attract locals who wanted to look good to their peers. They sat a table where the seats were a semi-rounded leather sofa and the table was filled with fancy-looking dinnerware. There were a lot of people in the restaurant, mostly white families with their relatives who probably lived in cities. The place wasn’t up-par to any of the restaurants Daehwi had gone to in either Europe or New York but it wasn’t that bad. 

 

He looked through the menu and opted to go with something light, a club house sandwich and a salad. The waiter gave abundant suggestions of supposed “best-selling” food like most restaurants would but Daehwi shook his head and firmly declined. Mrs. Carter, on the other hand, gave in to one of the waiter’s suggestions and afterwards, returned the menu to him. Daehwi followed suit and finally, they were both left alone. 

 

Daehwi could still feel the nerves getting to him. Even when they had a friendly chit-chat(that had nothing to do with Jinyoung or whatever happened in the past) along the way, he still couldn’t help but have this irking feeling of preparing himself for any kind of shit-storm Mrs. Carter had prepared for him. The woman herself was looking down at her hands, rubbing them as if she was waiting for the right moment to hit Daehwi with whatever it was she was going to drop on him. 

 

“So, you heard that Jinyoung was engaged, right?”

 

The last thing Daehwi wanted was for that topic to be brought up. He remembered hearing the news about Jinyoung’s engagement when he was in Milan to work as a make-up artist for a Vogue cover. It was finally his big break, having a piece of his work landing on the pages of the prestigious magazine. When Ennik had contacted him and told him the news, it was like the world came crashing down on him. It was a good thing that he had finished working on everyone’s looks that day when he received the news because the only thing that flooded his thoughts were drinking alcohol to forget the pain in his chest rather than to celebrate his success.

 

He paused for a moment and couldn’t help but stutter in his reply, “Yeah?” 

 

“The day before Jinyoung and Lizbeth decided to end their engagement, he told me that even when the woman beside him made him smile, he couldn’t help but think of you every now and then. At first, I was thinking, what kind of spell did this man do to my son? Years ago, when I first found out between you and Jinyoung, I wanted to hate you. I really did but you were so kind. You were a good kid. You always looked after Jinyoung and not only Jinyoung, you were there for Annie too. You were like Annie’s other older brother as well. I couldn’t bring myself to hate you. But when Jinyoung thought of ending the engagement, I couldn’t help but feel bitter towards you.Your mother is a wonderful woman. She and I have become really good friends, a true one at that, and I couldn’t afford to lose a dear friend in her as well. I just.. what I’m trying to say is..”

 

“I’m not going back to Jinyoung.” Daehwi thought that this was probably the reply she wanted. He wasn't sure where her little speech was going but he knew for the fact that she was probably worried that something might rekindle if Jinyoung and he were to meet. “I already told him that. He and I are different people. We want different things. He deserves to have a family of his own. I’m sorry for all the bitter feelings you’ve had towards me because of my selfishness back then. If I could go back in time...” he bit his lip, trying to conceal the unease in his chest. “I wish he and I never actually happened.”

 

_It’s a lie. I would never trade those memories for the world._

 

“David, do you still love my son?” Mrs. Carter asked, her tone more gentle than Daehwi would have expected.

 

“In all honesty Mrs. Carter? I don’t think I’ll ever think of anyone the same way. Your son has given me the love I never thought I’d ever experience in my lifetime no matter how young and foolish we were back then. No one has ever been as close to home as Jinyoung always was but I already decided years ago that I wasn’t going to let my selfishness get the best of me. Jinyoung shouldn’t be distant to a family as loving as you because of me. So, don’t worry, no matter what, I’ll distance myself if it means Jinyoung has the happy life that he deserves.” 

 

_This is my forever kind of love._

 

* * *

 

 

_Lake Seamore, September 1989_

 

_Daehwi had promised Jinyoung that they’d meet up at Lake Seamore to go and elope together. They had planned to take Jinyoung’s car and ride to wherever town they were welcomed to, as long as the both of them were together. Jinyoung brought with him his savings from his part-time job and Daehwi had enough for them as well. Daehwi had requested that they wait for graduation but Jinyoung couldn’t stand the sight of his step-father. Their heated arguments grew worse each day and it all had to do with the fact that his son was possibly doing something “un-natural” to some other boy. He hated the gaze he always gave Jinyoung, the look that had “you’re a disgrace” written all over it._

 

_Annie had been affected by their little feud, always coming into Jinyoung’s room and crying for him after every argument. Even if their voices were raised every night, there was a sort of relief that their fights never seemed to get physical. It was always just yelling and then either he or Jinyoung would walk out afterwards with the doors slamming shut. Jinyoung knew that his mother wasn’t okay with it as well. She knew that his mother’s gentle tone was mixed with the same disappointment his father had._

 

_Though, she never did once speak bad about Daehwi whenever he was around. It was always silence. A deafening sort of silence she always had whenever she was deep in thought. His house grew suffocating. He desperately wanted to get out._

 

_Daehwi was the only home he could think of at the moment. The only one that didn’t think he was a disappointment._

 

_It was already nine a.m and there was still no sign of Daehwi. He was never late whenever it came to meeting up with Jinyoung. He grew worried and quickly hopped on his car. Before he started the engine, he sees Ennik approaching him. She ran towards his car, then stood outside the driver’s seat to knock on the window. Tears filled her eyes as she handed him the letter._

_“What’s wrong?” Worry filled him as he took the letter from her and began to open it._

 

_“I’m really sorry, Jin. I tried to tell him to talk to you first but he just..” Ennik paused and waited for Jinyoung to finish reading the letter._

 

 

_Dear Jinyoung,_

 

_I’m really sorry I had to leave this way. I knew I wouldn’t want to leave if I told you this in person. I just want you to know that being in a relationship with you was the best thing that ever happened to me, even if our start was a little rocky. I never imagined that I’d fall in love with my best friend that way._

 

_The reason why I’m leaving without telling you is because, I can’t be with you right now. I love you so much and I know that we made so many promises together so, I’m sorry if I am theone who had to break all of them at once. I know I have no right to ask anything of you after hurting you this way but I want you to go back home and be the good son you always were to your family. Take care of your mother and little sister._

 

_Be with your family, Jinyoung. You can forget about me but know that I will always love you._

 

_Daehwi_

 

 

 

_There was anguish, a sense of betrayal as he read the letter again and again hoping that there was some sort of secret message in between the lines where it said it was all just a joke. But there was none. Ennik had left, hoping to give Jinyoung the space he needed to take it all in. He sat in his car for a while, tears flooding down as he crushed the letter in his hands. The words "I can't be with you" written on ink was like his death sentence with Daehwi's "I love you"s as his last testimony. It ached. Everything ached. Nothing made sense._

_Daehwi, indeed, did not have any right to make any requests after leaving Jinyoung without a word. But in the end, Jinyoung returned home and decided to start mending the scars he had inflicted on his parents and hoped they'll do the same._


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

Lee Residence, December 1999

 

Daehwi’s conversation with Mrs. Carter had him still contemplating in his room at eleven p.m in the evening. He had told Jinyoung’s mother that there was no future between him and Jinyoung. No future along the romance line but the way the conversation headed, her answer caught him off guard.

 

_“I’ve held you and Jinyoung back for so long. I wanted to talk to you not because I wanted to stop you both a second time. I wanted to talk to you because I wanted to apologize for the hurt that we have inflicted on you and Jinyoung. It must have been so hard for the both of you. So this time, if ever.. if ever you and my son are really destined to be together somehow. Both of you have my blessing..”_

 

After all those years of pining over only just one person and dreaming of the same face over and over again, he finally got the answer that his eighteen year old self had wanted for so long.

 

Approval. He had his family’s approval. But what does it even mean after ten years? Approval for what kind of future? He was no longer his eighteen-year-old self. He was different, more assertive and less unsure of what he wanted to be in life. Of course, there was a part of him that wondered what it would be like to have Jinyoung beside him as he grew old but his life already had back up plans. One that was okay with not having Jinyoung by his side. Although the thought of it hurt at first, but as time passed, he was at peace with it. He was at peace with the possibility of merely seeing their memories flash before his eyes every now and then as he lived alone and content.

 

As Daehwi grew tired, he remembered a happy memory of when he was seventeen, a time when he and Jinyoung never had to worry about anyone finding out. It was because when they were alone together, it never really mattered. He prayed that the memory would also be embedded in his dreams, even just for this night until he goes back to Manhattan and he’d have to replay the memories of walking away first once again.

 

* * *

 

 

_Lee Residence, December 1985_

_Seven a.m. was a bit too early for Jinyoung on a Saturday morning but he had forced himself to get up because Daehwi was an early riser and his breakfast usually started at around seven. He had already picked out his clothes the night before and for some reason the task was rather taxing for the first time in his life. Never would he have thought that there would come a day when he’d actually dress up to impress his best friend, Lee Daehwi. Never would he have thought that he’d spend more than five minutes looking at a mirror, wondering what hair do would actually make him look more presentable in front of the other._

_Jinyoung must be going mad._

_After heaving a nervous sigh, he knocked on the front door loud enough so that Daehwi could hear it from the kitchen._

_“Coming!” he’d heard._

_Shortly enough, Daehwi opened the door and the smell of bacon as well as pancakes wafted around the house. It took all of Jinyoung’s will power not to just stare at Daehwi when he looked unexpectedly adorable in his pink apron and pajamas. His hair was unkempt, a few strands going in different directions, while his glasses hanging low on the bridge of his nose. “Why are you all dressed up? If I had gotten the memo, I would have dressed up a bit too,” he told Jinyoung, his lower lip jutted out and forming into a pout. A laugh started bubbling up in Jinyoung’s chest and in spite of himself, he planted a quick kiss on Daehwi’s lips._

_Daehwi, who was caught of guard, punched Jinyoung in the stomach and began stomping his way towards the kitchen, leaving the door open for his pained guest. “Jerk,” Daehwi cursed._

_The food Daehwi prepared for breakfast were his special chocolate chip pancakes, eggs, and bacon. There was milk, juice and water on the table as well. Daehwi sat in front of him, looking a bit more nervous than usual. “So, you wanted to talk?” He broke the intolerable silence between them, his eyes still unable to meet Jinyoung’s. “I can’t believe you joined karaoke night just to talk to me.” Triumph filled Jinyoung as he spotted a small smile curling on Daehwi’s lips._

_“Yeah, I didn’t know how else to get your attention. You wouldn’t talk to me, I was growing desperate,” Jinyoung started spreading butter on his pancakes this time while stealing a few glances of Daehwi every now and then._

_Daehwi was fidgeting in his seat as silence enveloped the room. Words seemed to have lost their way as they were knew to the whole experience. To the whole feeling. Jinyoung began eating the food that was prepared on the table and Daehwi followed suit. It was on Daehwi’s third slice of pancakes when he finally gathered the words to say to Jinyoung._

_“I’ve thought about it for a while by the way. I’ve thought about us. How it probably would never work out between us. I wondered why it hurt. You’re just my best friend. You’ve always just been my best friend but I-” Both of them had stopped eating at that point. Their eyes locked on each other. There was no running away now. There were no crowds of people and large school halls for Daehwi to escape to. It was just him and Jinyoung. “I love you, I can’t lose you. A lover, a friend, whatever. It actually dawned on me that for heaven’s be damned I really love you and the reason why I had to tell you I liked guys was because I didn’t want to keep any secrets from the person I love. I never expected that night to turn out that way. I knew you were such a child but I never thought you’d be that much of an idiot. That’s why I got so mad at you.” A sigh escaped Daehwi’s lips and he pursed his lips before forming it into a somber smile. “That’s why, if you want us to just be friends, best friends. Okay, let’s be best friends. No funny business. Nothing.”_

_“Then, let’s not be just friends,” Jinyoung replied. “Let’s figure this out together.”_

_It amazed Daehwi how easy it was for Jinyoung to just say those words without any doubt in his tone. In a way, Daehwi thought that he might have been joking, Another stupid prank he would pull to clear the air but when he looked at the way Jinyoung’s face looked dead serious, he wasn’t so sure anymore. “Figure what out? You’re straight Jinyoung,” Daehwi pointed out firmly._

_“Probably not as straight as I thought if I can’t stop thinking about you,” Jinyoung gave him an equally firm tone. “You think I never thought about this Daehwi? I did, you know? And I want to try this out. I want to try us out.”_

_The last statement didn’t sit well with Daehwi. Try? Was he test run on someone’s probable sexuality? No fucking way. Jinyoung last sentence fell heavy on his heart and as much as he didn’t want to complicate their situation any further, Jinyoung just had to run his pretty little mouth with funny ideas. Daehwi stood up from his seat, looking pissed as he grabbed his plate and threw it in the sink. “Get out.”_

_“Daehwi, what’s wrong?”_

_“I’m not a fucking tester, alright? Try? You want to try loving me? It’s either you really love me or you don’t. I don’t want you to just try, Jinyoung.”_

_Jinyoung finally got up from his seat and closed the distance he had Daehwi as he wrapped him in a tight embrace. “Stop putting words into my mouth, idiot. I never said I wanted to try loving you. I said, I wanted to try this out. Regardless, if we work out in a relationship or not, I’ll still love you.” He pulled away slightly, just enough so that he got to lean his forehead against Daehwi’s. “I’m not just some straight guy, trying to use my gay best friend as another warm body, alright? You should know me better than that.” Jinyoung tipped Daehwi’s chin up so that he had their gazes locked on each other. Fear and doubt were clear in Daehwi’s eyes. Words could not assure him no matter how sincere they were. But somehow, Daehwi managed to lean in and kiss his best friend, trying to find the truth in it. Part of Daehwi expected Jinyoung to push him away, be disgusted and probably walk away, thinking what he had said was probably just a mistake. Daehwi wanted to taste the lie somehow._

_But he didn’t._

_Not when Jinyoung held him so so close, almost protectively. His lips soft against Daehwi’s as he returned the exact fervor as the first night they kissed. It was so much scarier for Daehwi to find out Jinyoung felt the same but also a relief that he wasn’t out the door yet. The second time around, Jinyoung was relentless. He had no mercy in filling Daehwi with this much emotion in just a mere kiss. And when they parted, Daehwi looked at Jinyoung’s face one last time. He still continued to search of any sign for his best friend’s discomfort or if he was already second-guessing his decision._

_But Daehwi found no sign of it. And fuck it, no matter what the future held, maybe holding Jinyoung’s hand wouldn’t be so bad._

_“Alright, Jinyoung,” Daehwi smiled, this time he looked genuinely happy. “Let’s try this out”_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Carter Residence, December 1999

 

 

It was already late in the evening and Jinyoung was still lying awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to Everything But The Girl on his mix tape. Nothing much had changed in Jinyoung’s old room. His old posters were still taped on the wall while his old comic books were still stacked in a pile on the corner. When he had visited his hometown to introduce his fiancée, he had rented out an old rest house for them so she didn’t have to stay in Jinyoung’s old room filled with too much old memories. When he closed his eyes, he remembered lying down beside Daehwi on one of their sleepovers. They looked at Jinyoung’s glow in the dark plastic stars and talked about the possibility of them growing old together, maybe owning an apartment in the Upper East Side of New York and retire at a lake house near Lake Seamore. He wasn’t sure why that image suddenly played in his head but it was one of his fondest memories.

 

For years, Jinyoung never had the courage to forget these memories. He never spited them or tried to burn them at the back of his mind. They were memories that he treasured so dearly he never wanted anyone to taint them. Not even himself. He tried his best to move on, to keep these memories but still try to build more with someone else. To make happier ones. But somehow, it was still just Daehwi. Ten years would have been enough to make him pull through with his own engagement, make his fiancee stay and have a happy home with children. But Jinyoung was never one to make life long decisions half-heartedly. The future of a wife, happy kids and a warm supposedly normal home didn’t seem like the end game that he wanted for himself. It didn’t feel right.

 

Jinyoung snapped out of his reverie when his mother knocked on his door and entered his room. She greeted him with a smile and sat down on an empty space on his bed. “Hey you, what time are you leaving tomorrow?” she asked.

 

“Around eleven, I think.” He replied.

 

“I see.” She said, her voice sounding low. “I ate with Daehwi this evening. He really grew up well. He even did my haircut. Do you like it?” She sounded genuinely happy, glowing.

 

Jinyoung nodded, his lips curling into one of his bright smiles. “It really suits you, mom. You look a lot younger actually. I guess that’s what happens when you get a world-renowned stylist to do your hair for you.” But there was a hesitation in his tone. Knowing that his mother had talked to Daehwi that night, he wasn’t sure what to feel. An ache? Some sort of longing? It was a feeling he couldn’t exactly pinpoint.

 

“We talked about the past and well, your engagement.” His mother’s voice was a lot softer this time. She touched Jinyoung’s hand, clasping it softly. “Daehwi is a really brave person. After all these years, he always thought about you. We hurt you. Both of you. And now, if you want to...if being together is what you want, we will support you. We will always love you, Jinyoung.” His mother pressed a soft kiss on his forehead and hugged her son tight.

 

Warmth filled Jinyoung’s heart as he hugged his mother back. He could feel his mother shake in quiet sobs as she whispered apologies over and over again. Jinyoung rubbed a hand against her back and reassured her that it was fine and that he had already forgiven them a long time ago. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt his mother. Maybe that was the reason why as years gone by, he could never bring himself to hate Daehwi. Move on, yes. But it was so hard to hate someone who was as selfless as Lee Daehwi. The man who walked away from their own promises just so that he could be the son his mother wanted. To continue to be his mother’s rock. To be by his sister’s side.

 

Once Mrs. Carter had calmed herself down, she tells her son goodnight and exits his room. Jinyoung’s thoughts began to wander once more. He finally wondered if Daehwi was now open to being together again. Maybe it was too late for them to have what they had ten years ago. They were now two different people. Twenty seven year old Daehwi looked too head strong. He knew what he wanted now. Jinyoung could sense it in the way he held himself down. How he never faltered in their argument. Seventeen-year-old Daehwi could never do that. He would give in easily.

 

Their argument the other day seemed too final. The way Daehwi weaved his words and told Jinyoung that there was no way for them to get back together was too set in stone. He wondered if it was even possible for them to get back together. Are twenty-eight year old Jinyoung and twenty-seven year old even compatible?

 

 

So much has happened since then, he wasn’t even sure what Daehwi actually liked now. It was funny. He was so adamant in getting the answers from Daehwi when probably Daehwi could never give it to him now because they were two different people. Two different people who have walked on different paths. And as the last track to his mix tape starts to play, Jinyoung gives in to slumber, letting the questions of his youth drift away with time.

 

* * *

 

 

Bungalow 8, September 2001

 

 

Flashy seats, neon lights and the sound of some new pop song surrounded the newly opened night club as Daehwi sat on one of the tables where his crew were designated. It was New York fashion week’s after party hosted by a notable designer which Daehwi has worked with before. Everyone was passing around drinks. Models, some photographer friends and other stylists sat close to each other to whisper gossip that has polluting around and possible hook-ups they have planned for the night. It was Daehwi’s typical scene. Overtime, he grew tired of it and decided to just zone it out whenever he had a glass of alcohol with him. He talked to his peers every now and then but he felt like he was merely staying afloat. It was like pretending to be a prop amidst the toxicity of it all.

 

Most of the time, he just let his eyes wander. He let his eyes roam through the artificial, everyone’s front materialized into something that looked so real in lenses. Sometimes, he looked for something temporary for himself. Every now and then, he would catch a man with a scruffy beard and a bottle of vodka at hand from the other table eyeing him as if he was prey. Having some alcohol in his system, he was daring enough to play the man’s game. He stood up, excused himself from his colleagues and inched a bit closer to get a better look at the man.

 

He was one of the photographers at the Armani fashion show. Rugged and without promise, Daehwi knew that he was another man just looking for a plaything he can dispose of after. A souvenir of a memory from this event. Daehwi had played the part too many times. As he was about to make his way to the man’s table, someone had grabbed hold of his wrist, forcing him to take a step back. As he did, he felt a firm chest from behind. “Mind accompanying me tonight instead?” a familiar voice had said.

 

Daehwi froze in his place. Even in the alcoholic haze, he could recognize where the voice came from. It had been a year since he had last heard it.

 

The last time he did, it sounded broken, pleading and so so lost.

 

Now, it was so much different. It sounded like it was trying to lure him in. Ready to have Daehwi wrapped around his finger again. Or more like, ready to remind him what it feels like have a place to come back to, a place to feel safer once more.

 

“I thought we already established that we weren’t going to see each other anymore,” Daehwi told the man but a deep part of him wanted to take it back. In all honesty, a part of him was relieved that the man appeared before him. After all these months of thinking about hopefully seeing him and just talking to him, he finally had the chance to. Turning to finally see his familiar face, he looked as breath-taking as ever. With his hair combed back and his features looking like he’s never aged a day. He looked like an A-list actor with his ensemble being a black leather jacket, a plain black shirt, and washed out jeans.

 

“Yeah, well I figured that I always have been stubborn when it came to you. After all these years, I’m not letting you go this time around.”

 

“And if I try running again?”

 

“I’m going to give you a reason to stay.” The man smiled at him and handed him a glass of martini. “I don’t really know what you like but I just figured that if maybe you go to parties like these a lot, you might like it?” Daehwi found it amusing how unsure he was. It was evident how different they both were now. Distance had now made them a stranger to each other.

 

“A martini sounds good,” Daehwi took the drink from him with a smile.

 

“You said that we shouldn’t see each other but you were talking to a different man. You were talking to Bae Jinyoung, the twenty-eight-year-old who couldn’t get over his first love. Right now, you’re talking to Bae Jinyoung, thirty-year-old real estate broker, who thinks you’re actually quite beautiful and you should ditch the dirt bag who is a few meters away so aforementioned thirty-year-old can get to know your better.”

 

Years have passed and Jinyoung’s stupid humor still managed to make Daehwi giggle. “I don’t know, thirty year old Jinyoung still kind of looks like the boy who kissed me just to see if I was really gay.”

 

“It was the best decision that certain seventeen-year-old ever made actually,” Jinyoung replied. “No one’s holding us back anymore, Daehwi. Let’s give it another shot, please.”

 

Daehwi couldn’t believe that just a minute ago, he was going to give in to his routine and get baited into falling into an oblivion of being someone’s secret or someone’s one time thing. But right now, Jinyoung, the boy who he always considered as his home, was taking him back. He had stopped him from stepping into that oblivion.

 

Daehwi was silent for a while but eventually held on to Jinyoung’s hand like it was salvation, a gesture he never managed to do in public before. “How about we talk about where this will go over breakfast and just get to know each other over a glass of alcohol” Daehwi grinned playfully and Jinyoung couldn’t help but do the same.

 

“Whatever you say,” Jinyoung said.

 

“I’m Lee Daehwi, I’m a hair stylist but I can do both hair and make-up. Twenty-nine years old and yes, I like martinis. Nice guess, thirty-year-old Jinyoung.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Carter Residence, July 1986_

_There were summers when the Carter family had to go out of town to visit relatives from a different state but Jinyoung opted to stay home for the summer. His mother had agreed to it just because Jinyoung said that Daehwi would sleep over and cook for him. So, it was one week of Daehwi and Jinyoung having the house all to themselves. It almost felt like both of them were already a family. They were ‘domestic’ as Daehwi had described it. Mornings consists of Daehwi gently removing himself from Jinyoung’s hold and going downstairs to cook. A few minutes later, a sleepy Jinyoung would appear and hugged Daehwi from behind as he prepared breakfast. It was moments like these that Daehwi believed that he had a glimpse of his future. A future where he and Jinyoung were allowed to be together and that he’d be able to have mornings like these without his heart still clenching in doubt._

_“Goodmorning,” Jinyoung would murmur on his shoulder before planting soft kisses on his neck. Daehwi would giggle and try to escape his grasp just because the touch of his lips against his skin gave him butterflies along with a tickle._

_“Goodmorning, eat up!” he’d tell him cheerfully._

_After breakfast, they would stay in Jinyoung’s room and play his mixtapes. They had a rule that whoever’s house it was, they would be playing that person’s playlist. This time, since it was Jinyoung’s house, the room was filled with Duran Duran, U2 and Beatles songs. Their hands lay on their center, intertwined as they stared at the room’s ceiling._

_“Jinyoung, doesn’t it scare you? Like the future? When people find out about us and..” Daehwi paused, unable to verbally say the words that kept repeating again and again in his head._

_“If it’s not you, it’s not anyone.” Jinyoung turned to Daehwi and pressed his lips against Daehwi’s knuckles. “That’s how fucking into you I really am. Ten years, a hundred years, a fucking life time, I’ll always find my way back to you.”_

_“What about me? What if I get lost along the way?” Daehwi asked. Jinyoung already knew how scared Daehwi was or always is with their situation. Even if there was a huge part of him that wanted to stay with Jinyoung, there was always that lingering feeling of doubt._

_“I’d like to believe you’d also always find your way back to me too. You’re my home, Hwi. For better or for worse, we’ll always find our way back to each other.”_

_It was words like those that made Daehwi believe that home really was a boy named Bae Jinyoung. And maybe their love wasn’t going to be the most perfect or always the happiest, but maybe it was a love worth returning to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM FINALLY DONE. I would like to thank everyone who read this story. Im not sure if it's the ending that you wanted but I felt like it wouldn't be right if they became all lovey-dovey right off the bat. So, I will leave their futures to your imagination. Anyways, I would like to greet everyone a Happy New Year! I wish you started yours right. I know this isn't my best but I promise to do better in the future. Thank you again to the people who placed the comments and the kudos. You motivated me to finish this. To my JinHwi spazz partner, Kath unnie as well. ILY unnie <3 This fanfic was really for you hahahah


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